What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 11:16
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I waited trembling.
When she asked me how she looked .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What are hygiene habits that everyone should have?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Im still living with it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Especially a lifetime of it.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But, we were locked up after school.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She loved him until the end.
This is soul school!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i lived it daily.
Comes on , in middle age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It was going to be , some day.
We were not on the streets..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He knew the spot.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So whats the point in blame.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot live in the past .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My family never makes their pension either.
She wouldn,t have been !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it wasn’t much.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I have no regrets .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Was to survive, this bastard.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So, i spoilt her more .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I don,t even have a pension.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She found it foreign!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I think the readers, may guess!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was very sick at this time too.
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We all went to grammer schools
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I will be 64.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ive learnt so much.
She married twice! .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I said to her
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He resisted the act ,that day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
(And it was in our own minds.)
What did i know ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.